Another example of utterly useless Irish customer service

I get paid on the last working day of the month. In these economic climes, that's very good news.

The bad news is, in my previous job, I used to get paid on the 24th of every month (or the nearest business day prior to the 24th), and it was during my time with that firm that I set up most of the direct debits that go out of my bank account every month.

You can probably see where this is going already.

Last month was one of those months where the last business day was the 31st, and that's when I got paid. Unfortunately, O2 tried to prise payment for my mobile phone bill out of a depleted account on the 30th, and the direct debit was returned by my bank.

Did I get upset? No, not at all. I said "Mea culpa" and took the extortionate €13 fee O2 levied against me for this hideous transgression on the chin. It was, after all, my fault and no-one else's, that there was no money in my account to cover the bill.

Furthermore, the day I got paid, I added O2 to my online banking facility as a beneficiary and immediately discharged the outstanding debt. That's how I roll, these days.

A few days later I got a text from O2 saying that my next bill had been prepared, and it would amount to such-and-such. It was clear from the amount they were promising to beat out of me that they had not received - or had not factored in - the online payment I had made to cover the previous unpaid bill.

At that stage I was concerned I had set up the beneficiary account incorrectly and had sent the payment to the wrong O2 account, so I decided to contact their customer service department. I also decided it would be wise - and responsible - of me to change the day on which the O2 direct debit goes out of my account to prevent this happening again.

The following email conversation ensued.



Dear O2,


Your last attempt to debit my bank account to pay my monthly bill was returned, due to there not being sufficient funds in my bank account. I have since set O2 up as a beneficiary on my Bank Of Ireland internet banking and paid the outstanding amount. The money has been debited from my account, but it has not registered with yourselves. 


You have just sent me a text saying that my next bill will be €133.96, which does not take into account the €60 I have just paid. Could you chase this up with your accounts department, please? 


Many thanks, 


Mike.




Dear Michael,

Thank you for your email.


I have looked into this for you and I can advise we have received your payment on the account. It can take up to 5 working days for us to receive payments, so this was not through to us when this was sent to you. I can advise there is a balance of €73.96 owing on your account and this is due on the 28/06/2011.

I hope this information is of help to you and please accept my apologies for any confusion that has been caused.

Kind Regards
Faceless CS Monkey (Name changed to protect the innocent : MS)
O2 Customer Care




Dear Faceless CS Monkey / Customer Care,

Thank you for responding. That's a load off my mind.

Now, how do I go about changing the date on which O2 attempts to take the DD from my bank account to put it after my pay-day to thereby guarantee there are always sufficient funds available?

Kind regards,

Mike.




Dear Mike,

Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately, it is not possible to change the date that your direct debit is due. This date was set when your account was opened and it cannot be altered.

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Kind regards,

Faceless Unhelpful Jobsworth (Name changed to protect me from potential litigation : MS)

O2 Customer Care

Dear O2 Customer Care,

Your "apologies for any inconvenience caused" are hollow and patronising, since you have not made any substantial effort to address my problem.

This situation would be a serious thorn in my side at the end of every month were it not for the fact that I have already been released from my contract with O2, due to your inability to address your appalling coverage in my area.

I believe I shall take advantage of this and move my service to three.ie. They are quite willing to transfer me to their network and bill me on a day-of-the-month of my choosing.

Yours,

Mike Synnott.

They have not responded.

Fewer shibboleths = less elegance.

I have to get something off my chest:

Why do people find it so hard to use the comparative adjectives 'less' and 'fewer' correctly? Whilst I am trying very hard to be progressive about the evolution of English, certain things are just wrong, and grate on my nerves, and this case is one of them.

Look, it's really easy to use these adjectives properly, and here's how:

When it comes to comparing quantity, nouns in English come in two forms:

• Mass nouns
• Count nouns

Mass Nouns.

A mass noun is something that cannot be counted in individual units. Examples are 'air', 'sand' and 'snow.' The simplest test of whether something is a mass noun or not is, 'Can I pluralise it?' If you can, it is not a mass noun. For example, you cannot say, "There are five airs in the bell jar"; nor can you say, "I brought three sands home from the beach." Mass nouns must be used with a unit in these cases: "There are five litres of air in the bell jar," and "I brought three buckets of sand home from the beach."

When comparing mass nouns, you use the word 'less', as in, "There is less air in this jar than there is in the room." "There is less sand in this bucket than there is on the beach."

For the purposes of counting and comparison, abstract nouns behave as mass nouns, as in, "There is less truancy in District A than there is in District B."

Mass nouns and abstract nouns are always singular. If you find yourself using 'are less', you have gone wrong somewhere.

Count Nouns.

A count noun is something that can be counted in individual units. Examples are 'idiot', 'jelly bean' and 'car.' If you can pluralise a noun, it is a count noun. "There are two idiots making noise outside." "There are three jelly beans down the back of the settee."

When comparing count nouns, you use the word 'fewer', as in, "There are fewer idiots outside tonight than there were last night." "There are fewer jelly beans down the back of the settee than there are in the jar."

Note that the count nouns themselves are ALWAYS pluralised, when comparing them with 'fewer.'

It's this simple:

• Mass Nouns = ' is less'
• Count Nouns = ' are fewer'