Dear Pain-In-The-Ass,
Thank you for the clarification on how often I am allowed to be unwell during a given year.
You would think that after having lived in this body for the better part of forty-six years, I would be equipped to decide whether I am unwell or not, or whether the excruciating level of pain I am feeling, as a vertebral disc rubs against a nerve in my spine, is of such magnitude that I really shouldn’t try and get out of bed. Seemingly not. I believe certain well-adjusted people are capable of making such diagnoses, but I, it would appear, have to visit a doctor to be told I am too infirm to work - and pay handsomely for said diagnosis.
As regards the difference between certified and uncertified sick-leave, you might also expect that being a professional man in his middle-years from a respectable background, I might be taken at my word when I say I am too unwell to attend the office. That would be a dreadful mistake. It’s obvious that I am a dishonest and utterly untrustworthy rogue, who should be compelled to present documentary evidence of his illness, since, without it, I was plainly swanning around the countryside with my ne’er-do-well cohorts, or lounging at home watching the television set, and laughing up my sleeve at the poor saps who were stupid enough to attend the office and do a day’s work.
To conclude, I have no doubt that such ‘by-the-book’ adherence to company policy has a phenomenally beneficial effect on the morale of the staff. Personally speaking, your email has inspired me to new heights of loyalty and fanaticism to the company cause. For example, I shall henceforth arrive at my desk at exactly 9am, take a lunch break at exactly 1pm, returning at exactly 2pm, and shall log out and leave for the day at exactly 5.30pm. The unprofessional and shoddy approach I used to have of arriving at 7.45am, eating at my desk, and hanging around like a bad smell until 6.00 or 6.30pm was doing me no favours, and I have to thank you for putting me on the straight-and-narrow.
Your humble servant,
Michael Synnott.
