Foolproof Internet Business Idea

I have a new startup business idea: I'm going to start an Internet swear-jar. I expect to be able to retire to a private island in about six weeks.

Improbable Google Searches

Things that have almost certainly never been typed into Google:

• adele nude
• tallafornia season 2
• brian kennedy girlfriend
• second hand Renault Mégane wanted

Brain Teaser

Here's a brain teaser I came up with:

Mike works for the marketing department of a software company.
His job is to come up with names for new products, and he has devised a formula for doing so.

For example, when the company developed a new Payroll System, Mike named it 'Ps'. When they announced their Customer Relationship Management and Bug Tracking Management System products, Mike named them 'Chromi' and 'Bratanmiksie' respectively.

The company is about to announce their new Online Payment Processing Gateway. What will Mike name it?

You get what you pay for.

My wife and I hired a child photographer the other week and, to be honest, I wish we hadn't bothered. He couldn't hold the camera steady, hardly knew how to use it and when I berated him for his lack of professionalism he started crying and kicked me in the shin. Little bastard.

Going Postal

One of the funniest stories I heard in years was related by a colleague in Pocket Kings (Full Tilt Poker).  I can't remember the exact details, so I'm paraphrasing here somewhat.

My colleague, Mike, used to work with an edgy and stressed character who was always threatening to go postal and shoot everyone in the office. One day, when they were all at lunch, they got round to asking the guy who he would shoot in the office, and in what order.

He replied, "Well, the first person I'm going to drill is that fucking Peter guy."

"What?! But Peter is your best friend in the office. You two are practically inseparable. Why would you shoot him first - or at all?"

"Well, for two reasons: One, I wouldn't want him to witness the carnage, and go through the fear of knowing he was next; and two, I think it'd send a clear message that I'm deadly fucking serious!"