His Mortifying Instruments

I recall the day my wife mistook my Tibetan Anus Flute for her Moroccan Nose Whistle. Easily done but not a mistake you're likely to make twice.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #25

Avoca (n.)

The melancholic realisation that the excitement of having taken delivery of a new gadget will evaporate before the day is out.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #23

Lachen (n.)

The unsettling superposition of familiarity and strangeness you experience when, after many years, you visit a city you used to live in.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #24

Umrygar (n.)

The patina of dust, food crumbs and cat hair on your laptop that you never notice until you're on public transport.

The Yeast of our Worries.

A wise man once said to me, "Mike, learn from other people's mistakes. For example - and you can have this one for free - if you're throwing a dinner party and you run out of gravy granules, do not, under any circumstances, be tempted to improvise with hot water and Marmite."

Independent Journalism

If you look past the torrent of ordure that flows from the sewer pipe of mainstream media, you will see a small but steady river of pure, unsullied truth - fed by the spring of independent journalism.

Smells like obscene spirit.

I just let a disturbing fart that smells like the men's jacks under Busaras used to smell back in the late 70s. Deeply concerning. I hope my bollocks doesn't start smelling like the Eblana theatre - or the crabs* start doing shite John B. Keane plays.

* I don't have crabs.

You need Jesus in your life.

Have you accepted Jesus into your life? After much soul-searching and consideration, I'm delighted to say that I have. When I first heard the amazing stories about Jesus and his work, I thought they were just the exaggerated rumours of a scruffy transient. However, after gentle pressure from respected friends who also accepted Jesus, I decided to give him a try and, boy, do I feel blessed that I did! My garden has never looked so good - and what he doesn't know about winter vegetables you could write on the back of a stamp. There are very few Mexican horticulturalists in Ireland and I feel blessed and privileged to have Jesus in my home, in my life and in my garden. Best of all, he's a critical thinker and a confirmed atheist so I can actually have some sensible fucking conversations with him.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #22

Scratenagh (n.)

A particularly odious denomination of Ballard (q.v.) - often a student - who sits sideways on the bus with their back to the window and their feet on the adjacent seat.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #21

Newrath (n.prop)

The Dyslexic Quarter of Rathnew.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #10

Clogga (n.)

The intellectually and hygienically challenged Ballard (q.v.) who sits in the front seat of the last bus and regales the driver with tales of solid-fuel boilers, Man Utd and leprechauns.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #20

Ballinteskin (n.)

Of the sport of Hurling; a career-ending injury of the ballsack.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #19

Ballard (n.)

A stolid and truculent commuter who, with malice aforethought, sits in the aisle seat on a bus or train thus rendering the window seat unusable as anything other than a storage area for their coat, bag, dog or body odour.

... or a cockroach.

My missus is terrified of earwigs. I always say, better an earwig than an eyewasp or an anusscorpion.

Like, how?

Right, I haven't had a grammar whinge in ages, so let's remedy that:

When did people start saying 'how it looks like,' as in, 'Let me show you how it looks like'?

This is so nonsensical that I can hardly bear it. Look:

'Let me show you how it looks.' YES!
'Let me show you what it looks like.' YES!
'Let me show you how it looks like.' NO! A thousand times, NO!!

MORONS!

It was a close shave.

Two of my New Man, metrosexual friends got into a blazing row last night. I tried to defuse things but it was a highly moisturised situation.

Wicklow-Centric Meaning of Liff definitions #18

Nun's Cross (n.)

The methodical interruption of the former part of the 'Hail Mary' - particularly the word 'Jesus' - with the responsorial latter part, perpetrated by elderly and impatient Catholics during the praying of a Rosary.

Today's grammar gripe ...

Those bloody signs that read "Road liable to flooding." I see them all over the country, and if you check the image below, you'll see that they have the same signs, with the same bad grammar, in the UK. That surprised me but there we are.

Anyway, what's wrong with this sentence fragment? Well, "road liable to flooding" is grammatically equivalent to saying, "If this rain persists, the road is likely to flooding." Even a child would tell you that that is terrible grammar. The road is likely to flood, certainly but to say that a road is likely to flooding makes no sense. "Likely to" and "liable to" have to be followed by an infinitive. There are no two ways about it.

So, what could the genius that phrased this sign (that we in Ireland no doubt blithely copied verbatim without proof-reading it) have put? Take your pick of:

Road liable to flood
Road likely to flood
Road prone to flooding
Road subject to flooding.
And indeed, many more.

You'd think something as important as the phrasing on road signs would be handled by a department of people that can actually use the language properly.

Just walk under a fucking bus, why don't you?

You know what, I had an epiphany this morning: I was walking to work and a teenage lad - a long streak of piss - came walking towards me engrossed in his phone; both thumbs going like billy-o. Long story short, he walked right into me, looked up and glared at me like it was my fault then strode on, still immersed in his phone. 

Now, this sort of thing used to drive me insane, and I bemoaned the dumbing down of the upcoming generation. But today - and this is the revelation I had - I realised the purpose of such wastrels: They're 21st century cannon-fodder. Every generation needs hordes of dumb assholes you can send into the machine-gun fire - either literally or figuratively - and preferably before they have a chance to breed.

All cynicism about the next generation aside, there are plenty of smart and driven kids who are not part of the Eyes Down tribe. The dumber these fucks get, the more easily the intelligentsia can exploit them. Given that, are we witnessing accelerated Darwinism?

I'd like to think so.

Words that should exist in English but don't #1

Autopoematis (n). One whose name is cockney rhyming slang for themselves; e.g. Jeremy Hunt.